International man of mystery

I don't consider my job a "real" job persay, mostly because it has nothing to do with my major. Moreso because I am only doing it because I have to. And, partly, because I get to use an alias. A real job should not entail me having the same last name as a fictional international man of mystery.

I anticipate and look forward to having a job that I can actually say I like. I went to school and borrowed all of that money for something, so I hope it's just a matter of time before I can find something I enjoy. Maybe I just get antsy being at the same place for too long. Which is also why I still occassionally search for positions on a cruise ship, just to get away for awhile. I want to travel, and it would be very nice to get paid for it.

It's been hard for me not to feel old lately. For one, I no longer care so much about going out every weekend and drinking. I'm not in college anymore. And I have to wake up early every day. For two, EVERYONE I know is getting married or having babies. I used to have a plan to be married by 25. That's not something that is necessarily feasible for me right now. I want to have accomplished a lot before I'm married. I want to have a lot of money saved up. And I want to have a career, not just a job.

That's not to say that I'm not happy right now. I am extremely happy. I'm just waiting for my turn to "grow up" in a sense.

I'm not gonna write you a sad blog.

I've been meaning to start blogging again for awhile, because, as weird as it may sound, I miss writing. I've always enjoyed it, but when you are forced to do something, like writing papers in school, it becomes less like fun and more like work.

I also find writing to be therapeutic. Blogging is just a mature diary, really. Sometimes it's a lot easier to write things then to actually say them out loud. The words just sound better in writing. I like that I have an option to erase the words, and that it's so much easier to slant what you are trying to say so that it appears poetic.

I've been thinking a lot lately about emotions. Anger is an easy emotion. When you are angry, you don't have to care. It's even easy to resort to anger. I think that I use it as a crutch. I have a defense mechanism that I built up that I can't seem to get rid of. Instead of caring, instead of hurting, I allow myself to be mad. Then I don't say how I feel. Anger also, for me anyway, doesn't seem to last very long. I don't hold grudges. I'm the type who gets over things quickly. Maybe even too quickly. So when that anger fades, I am left with hurt. And maybe I don't know how to deal with that yet.

This is not a sad blog by any means. For the first time in awhile, I feel like I have made the right choice. Ironically, I still don't know what's best for me right now. BUT, I definitely think that I am on the way to figuring that out. It's hard to step away from something that has been apart of you for so long. But as someone recently told me, if you love something, let it go. If it comes back, then it's yours forever. That's cheesy, but I guess I believe that it's true. Sometimes things end because of outside circumstances. Sometimes it has nothing to do with the way people feel. I don't necessarily believe in meant to be, but I'm pretty sure that things work out the way that they are supposed to. Only time will tell.